Training in relational wellness and emotional intelligence is needed now more than ever in the world. Families are in crisis; there were 350,000 divorce cases, averaging 40 divorces every hour – 70% of the divorce cases were filed by women in Indonesia back in 2016 alone. The work of Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Relationship and Life coaches are on the rise globally, and Bali is picking up with the trend. But the question is, do we need it? Here’s my interview with Simon Pelland, a Relationship Coach from Canada who feels Bali is his home away from home, on the hottest topic of the month.
When do we need to realize that we need help in our relationship department? How can coaching help you?
As soon as you feel you want it. I am an advocate for prevention. We don’t need to wait until our relationship is in trouble before we seek for support, although that is what we usually do. We mostly behave in relationships by reflecting what we have seen our parents do and by protecting ourselves from the previous hurt.
This makes it very difficult for us to create loving and connected relationships unless we had that example or tools on how to overcome previous emotional pain or upset. Coaching provides the tools to put the past events back in the past, so they are no longer limiting our future. And provides people with tools to not only navigate through relationships but have the courage and confidence to create the relationships they have always wanted.
Like you said, our relationship patterns we picked up from seeing our parents’ relationship dynamic. The question is, how do we break our negative relationship patterns?
First, we have to recognize what’s happening and get really honest with ourselves about what we want. Often we settle for a lesser version of relationships because we aren’t sure how to get what we want.
Second, get support. Friends, family, coaching, counselling. Put yourself in an environment with people you trust and can count on to listen to you and ask the tough questions that you maybe haven’t asked of yourself.
What’s the first thing that we need to do to fix our relationship patterns?
When we come from a place of fixing, we are very problem-focused. I believe it to be much more valuable to come from a solution mindset which is about creating rather than fixing. A lot of people around the world feel exhausted and not good enough. Feeling like there is something that needs to be fixed about them. I don’t believe that is that case and it’s a painful journey to take. Instead, I encourage compassion and forgiveness.
So if you want to improve your relationship, start by offering compassion and forgiveness first to yourself and then you partner for anything that you think should be different. Then begin to share and communicate how you want your relationship to go, because your partner doesn’t know what you are thinking.
What are the most common relationship issues? Are they solvable?
- Assuming things about your partner.
Assuming their intentions, assuming what they’re thinking, assuming you know he said this and it means that, and that get us into a lot of trouble. Which links us to the next common problem:
- Not listening to each other.
We haven’t really been taught how to really listen to each other, like trully be heard. We are just waiting for our turn to talk.
- The other one is Being resentful.
Many people stay in crappy relationships and then resent the person without taking any responsibility that they’re the ones staying in that relationship, and they’re the ones putting up with that behaviour.
Yes, those are absolutely solvable, but it takes work. It takes being extremely honest with ourselves and being 100% responsible for the position we put ourselves in our lives. And we are the one that’s creating the whole thing. Responsibility doesn’t mean its your fault, but it is taking ownership on something.
How does self-love play a role in attracting a better mate?
We get what we believe we’re worth. When we treat ourselves better, we set a standard for how we want to be treated. A person will only attract the kind of person they believe they deserve. Once we start treating ourselves the way we would want to be treated, we create space for great love. Because we no longer stand for nothing less. I often remind clients to be with someone who is worthy of them and not the other way around. And always put their oxygen mask on first (before helping everyone else).
Self-love is doing something or allowing yourself to feel a certain way that is not compromising anything. It’s what’s true to you, what feels good to you, not for anybody else, not to please anybody else, simply because its a hell yes for you! Take care of yourself as if you are someone you’re responsible for.
Last but not least, 5 things we need to remember if we want to have a healthy relationship:
- Be respectful, kind and generous
- Only be with someone who is worthy of you
- Never assume your partner’s intentions
- Ask for what you want – they won’t automatically know
- Above all, listen.
So, to answer the first question at the beginning of this article, do we need help in our relationship department? The answer lies in your heart. If you feel like you do, help and support are just around the corner, no judgement. Find the help you need that makes you feel most comfortable.
Relationship Coach: Simon Pelland